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Change -- Real Change -- Is Nearly Impossible

Jonathan Warren
Tags: #growth, #life

No. Make that "Difficult", not "Impossible".

Changing who we are deep down inside... Who we've been for years... Who we have grown into... is so difficult that many of us give up and claim that it's "impossible". That's really just a way of copping out and giving up without even trying. Is that really a bad thing? Maybe. But maybe not. Do we need to change? Who's making that call?

We are.

We are those that realize that we could be so much more, or have a lot better life, or be happier but we're too terrified of failure to even attempt to do anything.

I'm too picky, analytical, scared, scarred, shy, [pick your adjective]. That's why I'm in my mid-30's and still single. Oh. Add "judgemental" and "perfectionist" to that list. I've got this "perfect" -- let me emphasize, quote-on-quote "_perfect_" -- image in my head of what I'm looking for... even though I know -- really I do -- that she doesn't really exist.

How'd I get here? How'd I get to be such a person?

I could blame society. I could blame my parents. I could blame my friends. I could blame my educational or career pursuits. I could blame just about anybody but the truth of the matter is that there's only one person truly to blame: me.

I'm the reason that I'm this way -- just like you are the reason that you are the way you are. If we are not happy with who we are, then we only have ourselves to blame. And we are the only people that can bring about change and make us into people that we'd be happy being. No one else. Not your friends. Not your family. Not your current fling or your current crush or the complete stranger you meet in line at the grocery store can make you change who you are.

They can help you change though, but you need to ask -- and they need to be willing.

I just don't really know how to change. Which indicates that I really don't know how I want to change or who I'd rather be or what I'd change in my life -- well, other than the being single bit. That pretty much sucks. Sorta. Actually, in a way it's kinda cool... but it's really getting old and boring.

I've subscribed to the philosophy that we all have "one true soulmate" for years. The problem with that, is that there are so many people in this world that it's the proverbial "needle in a haystack". Yet another self-defeating mind trap from which we all need to escape if we're to find someone to be with.

I've been too analytical in my analysis of the whole mating rituals and patterns of humans. Duh! Just look at how I wrote that. Sheesh! Anywho. I'd basically boiled it down to this: The only reason that we date is to find someone to marry and the reason that many marriages fail is that we aren't picky enough.

So.

Here I am.

Sitting here -- alone -- typing on my computer, in my apartment, instead of being someone else and out in the "bar scene" trying to "hook up" with someone.

I'm sorry. I just don't play that game.

Sex is not the driving factor here. It's not the reason that I'm wanting to find someone. I have an emptiness in my heart that'll take a very special someone to fill. That phrase "hole in my heart" is more revealing and deeper than many (including myself for years) take it to be. You know how those funky little screws holding your car together or the walls of your cubicle or the privacy walls surrounding that toilet you sit on at work? The ones that have "strange" heads -- either stars or squares or some other shape. You know the ones I'm talking about? Well, they're "specialty screws" and used to make it more difficult for just anyone to unscrew. It takes a matching screwdriver. Same goes with that hole in our hearts. We all need to find that special person that exactly fits. Of course you could also use the analogy of a square peg in a round hole not fitting to explain why some people just don't "fit" together, but I like the specialty tool analogy better. And this is my blog after all. :-) So. Back to those tools. You need a certain star head screwdriver to take that headlight cover off so you can change out that burnt out bulb? Well your neighborhood auto parts store should have plenty of them to choose from. The point there is that whereas it's a "special" hole, there's lots of tools available that'll fit it. Just like there's lots of people out there that'll fit that hole in your heart... so stop being so damn picky and find someone.