I really wish that I could trust enough to let downn my guard enough to allow myself the luxury of actually being happy -- but I can't. I've just had too many bad things come along and rip the happiness from me.
It seems as if, every single time I get to where it seems as if I can relax and "know" that the worst is behind me, another round of bad situations start up.
And so, I have gotten morose -- not allowing myself to even momentarily relax or feel "happy" in the slightest.
This is not the life that I wanted. This is not the life that I would bestow on anyone. This is a life of constant torment -- and fear.
Pray that one day, hopefully soon, I can actually learn, once again, how to be happy. But, until then, please be patient with me. Right now, and for the foreseeable future, my emotions will almost always be "on edge" with the seemingly slightest thing setting off that "fight or flight" reflex turning me into a bear -- or puddle of tears.
Patience is what I need most. I don't need, want, or even will ask for your pity. That wouldn't help. Just be patient, be kind, be understanding, read about the non-military versions, causes, & symtpoms of PTSD (yes, its not just "battle fatigue"), but, most of all, give me the time and friendship to work through this!